Easter has now come and gone, I should have been celebrating it with Claire. Instead I sit grieving her more now than ever. Does it ever get easier?
We have been thinking about trying again soon. I am so up and down about this choice. Some days I think definately I am ready to try again and others I think never again. We shall see.
I know another blogger asked if we had a reason behind her death, for us it came down to "cord accident". It was wrapped around her little neck twice when she was born. That's the only reason the Dr. can give us.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Jesus, I had my 6 week postpartum checkup yesterday. IT was awful, not the exam, it was seeing other happy expectant moms.
She told me I could try again when I'm ready, the thing is, I dont' know if I'll ever be ready. How will I ever relax? I'm not worried about the chance of early miscarriage, I'm worried about delivering another dead baby.
She told me I could try again when I'm ready, the thing is, I dont' know if I'll ever be ready. How will I ever relax? I'm not worried about the chance of early miscarriage, I'm worried about delivering another dead baby.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
I'll never forget this as long as I live. I went to my appointment earlier that day, everything was fine, heartbeat was 140's and I measured perfectly. She said all looked great and that I'd see her again next week. I was now bumped up to weekly visits. Later that day after the appointment, J and I went to do some last minute shopping to get things for my hospital bag. Never did I think I'd be using it that night.
We went out to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. I'm sure that may have been the last time I felt her move. I remember getting a quick different kind of movement, I just thought she was rolling around a little as her movements were always different but consistent. After we left the restaurant we rented a movie and came home.
I noticed that when the movie was almost finished, I hadn't felt any activity recently. That's when the initial panic started to creep in. I drank some apple juice and layed on my left side. That's when I started poking, prodding, praying for some kind of reassurance. I felt a bump, but new realizing it was just her body floating back against my hand from a hard thump from me. In my mind I knew something wasn't right. I told J right away and this is when he tried to tell me babies sleep, they don't move constantly and that I'm probably overreacting. Hmmm, I wish I were.
About 2 hrs later I insisted we go in, I had J pretty scared at this time also.
When we got to the hospital we went straight up to L&D. The nurse there greeted me and I told her why I was in. I was put into room 2. I layed there in the bed looking at the baby warmer, the machines, praying all was well with my baby. She asked me my due date and if I had any complications throughout this pregnancy, in which I didn't. I enjoyed every moment of it.
Then she took the heart monitor and placed the cold gel on it then on my belly. She found a heartbeat but it was mine, racing along. She kept trying to get the heartbeat but that's when I realized, she was gone. I knew in my mind, that was it, Claire was dead. She explained to me that she was going to call my Dr next to see what we do. It was only minutes before she returned and it seemed very quickly that ultrasound came up to our room to do an ultrasound. My Dr was also there at that point. I just remember staring at the screen, looking for the reassurance of a beating heart. There was nothing, just stillness. At 4:20am, that's when my Dr. told us. Claire was dead. I remember screaming at that point, I was actually kind of hysterical. I held J and I cried and he cried with me. They left us alone to process what we just heard. I don't think anything made any sense at that moment. Panic was all I felt.
Shortly after the Dr. came in and explained to me that she was going to induce labor and that I'd hopefully deliver within the next day. I couldn't believe I had to give birth to her. She was dead, and all I wanted was this to be over, no labor, no pushing. Nothing, I thought this was just a bad dream, something that never happened to us. She explained how she would use cytotec and insert this on my cervix to hopefully start things along. This was around 5am that she did this.
I'm going to leave this for now and continue later, this has been exhausting trying to write this part. Today Claire was due, I should be going to my Dr. and asking about possible induction, instead of grieving. I still can't believe this is how my miracle ended. Fuck.
We went out to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. I'm sure that may have been the last time I felt her move. I remember getting a quick different kind of movement, I just thought she was rolling around a little as her movements were always different but consistent. After we left the restaurant we rented a movie and came home.
I noticed that when the movie was almost finished, I hadn't felt any activity recently. That's when the initial panic started to creep in. I drank some apple juice and layed on my left side. That's when I started poking, prodding, praying for some kind of reassurance. I felt a bump, but new realizing it was just her body floating back against my hand from a hard thump from me. In my mind I knew something wasn't right. I told J right away and this is when he tried to tell me babies sleep, they don't move constantly and that I'm probably overreacting. Hmmm, I wish I were.
About 2 hrs later I insisted we go in, I had J pretty scared at this time also.
When we got to the hospital we went straight up to L&D. The nurse there greeted me and I told her why I was in. I was put into room 2. I layed there in the bed looking at the baby warmer, the machines, praying all was well with my baby. She asked me my due date and if I had any complications throughout this pregnancy, in which I didn't. I enjoyed every moment of it.
Then she took the heart monitor and placed the cold gel on it then on my belly. She found a heartbeat but it was mine, racing along. She kept trying to get the heartbeat but that's when I realized, she was gone. I knew in my mind, that was it, Claire was dead. She explained to me that she was going to call my Dr next to see what we do. It was only minutes before she returned and it seemed very quickly that ultrasound came up to our room to do an ultrasound. My Dr was also there at that point. I just remember staring at the screen, looking for the reassurance of a beating heart. There was nothing, just stillness. At 4:20am, that's when my Dr. told us. Claire was dead. I remember screaming at that point, I was actually kind of hysterical. I held J and I cried and he cried with me. They left us alone to process what we just heard. I don't think anything made any sense at that moment. Panic was all I felt.
Shortly after the Dr. came in and explained to me that she was going to induce labor and that I'd hopefully deliver within the next day. I couldn't believe I had to give birth to her. She was dead, and all I wanted was this to be over, no labor, no pushing. Nothing, I thought this was just a bad dream, something that never happened to us. She explained how she would use cytotec and insert this on my cervix to hopefully start things along. This was around 5am that she did this.
I'm going to leave this for now and continue later, this has been exhausting trying to write this part. Today Claire was due, I should be going to my Dr. and asking about possible induction, instead of grieving. I still can't believe this is how my miracle ended. Fuck.
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